True or False: Should you change for someone you love?

shouldyouchangeforsomeoneyoulove

We all have come across thousands, if not millions, of quotes that tell us we do not need to change for someone we love. Not only quotes but also family, friends and even friends who turned into our family have told us multiple times: 

 

“If someone loves you, that person will love you exactly as you are.”

 

“Well, you are a good human being, should you change for someone you love?”

 

“You are way more worthy than having someone change you to someone you are not.” 

 

At first, I felt good and was affirmative about that thought–not changing for anyone. Because the thought of changing so that you don’t wind up alone seemed the wrong thing to do. But that was when I did not have a relationship to take care of. 

 

Lately, I seem to feel that a concept like that one is not the perfect concept to look up to. I now have realized that keeping relationships alive is a lot of work and effort. Apparently, 

It takes a lot more than just loyalty to your significant other to keep them in your life. 

So makes me think, is it true or false, should you change for someone you love? 

A relationship is a lot of work and effort.

Why should you change for someone you love? 

As I earlier mentioned, a relationship is a lot of work and effort. Relationships are based on compromise. 

 

Unlike in the romantic comedy movies or in the series we watch, people do not just perfectly fit like a key fits its lock. Some people are ‘almost there’. There are people who are ‘pretty close’ to their happily ever after. It’s a folly to think at the start or at any point in your relationship that you have found someone who will match up to your life as a single person. There will be puzzle pieces that will seem to fit each other but they won’t. 

 

The point being, there will be ups and downs. So to work out a relationship, a couple would need to shape themselves to become the pieces of a puzzle that could fit together. 

 

While sometimes the pieces will just shape themselves to fit together, some other times there will be friction. For example, your routine. You might feel more productive at night and have a night shift, and the other person having a morning shift will surely bring the communication levels very low. 

 

So, at times, if you are an ‘almost there’ couple and you are ‘too close’ to let it go, it’s good to change yourself, in fact, often it is necessary. So the answer to should you change for someone you love would be a YES. 

 

But then, what should you be willing to change so that you don’t lose yourself in the process? 

 

Let’s find out: 

 

11 things it’s okay to change about yourself for someone you love

 

There is a thin line between losing yourself in the process of changing yourself for someone you love and making changes that do not make you lose your identity. 

 

It’s healthy to aim for the latter. You should not feel that if only you changed the core self–your soul, your essence–that person would love you. You should not find yourself hiding who you are and always remain true to your authentic self. 

 

I have here compiled 11 things that one should be okay to change for someone they love, and at the same time, can get over the guilt or judgment for changing those things in the process. 

 

Here you go: 

 

Your household routine 

Having your partner stay at your place sometimes (or living with them) will demand a change in both of your domestic routines. Who will cook? Who will make tea in the morning? You should offer your helping hand and make a team. While you might not have kept things clean and organized before, you might need to declutter the mess and make the place welcoming for them. You have to change your routine in a way you are considerate about your S.O. being part of your day. And the changes should be done rationally. 

 

Your interests and hobbies 

The more time you spend with someone, the more you realize they like a lot of different stuff that you haven’t discovered ever before. It’s only natural to be invested in some of the stuff they like yourself. It’s not about leaving your interests and hobbies behind and rather about being willing to explore your partner’s hobbies. Because it’s important they enjoy what you like and equally important you enjoy what they like too. And it’s important you binge-watch the show they’re binge-watching too, together. If not, what will you snuggle to, I wonder?  

 

Your idea of future

There’s so much about the future that I had in mind regarding the guy that I’d date. But then I think it’s only natural to find yourself in a relationship with someone great even if they don’t match the idea of the future you wanted to have. It’s just fine when your career or family priorities shift dramatically. I am not saying you should sacrifice your dreams, I am just saying that your dreams can be open to new possibilities. It’s better if you have someone by your side while you are accomplishing those dreams, after all.   

The heart wants what it wants.

 

And sometimes what you wanted yesterday is not what you want today.

 

And that’s okay because it’s for someone you love. 

The place you live 

Some people I see, have long-distance relationships. I used to think these kinds of relationships can work. But they can’t. I am not against people who make it work. But at some point in time, there will be much more effort than just a call a day or a 1-hour text session. People crave belonging. When you consider a person your home, it’s important you come back to your home after a long day at work. 

I’d rather be nowhere with someone I love than somewhere without them. 

When it feels like it’s a good choice to make a relationship beyond long-distance, it’s better to move to a new place and commit to it fully. It’s a fair trade when you get to come to your ‘home’ every day. 

Never let anyone half love you.
Never half love someone. 

Your health habits 

When you have someone you care about in your life, it automatically makes you take care of yourself too. You might start eating healthy, exercising, and even get rid of unhealthy habits like smoking. These are good things to happen. When your loved ones are sick or suffer, you suffer too, and so is the case with your partner. So, it’s inherently good to take care of your health, even if it’s happening after you’ve met someone you love. 

 

Your bad habits 

Newsflash: everyone has bad habits. And in that case, we have to accept that our S.O. and we have some of them too. The thing that we should not do is get a free pass to be a jerk though. If you were not that great at expressing love and reminding people that you love them before, it doesn’t mean you should not make an effort to better suit your partner’s needs. If a person has brought just the right forces to help you become a better person, I don’t think it’s ideal to not want to. 

 

Your socializing habits 

Not everyone is the same. Some people are introverts, some are extroverts, and some are also ambiverts (yes, that’s what the internet does, comes with 1000 terms that can define your being). I personally am socially awkward. But being in a relationship demands we change our approach to social situations. Even if you don’t like calling people, you still have to grab your phone to call your S.O.’s parents and wish them on their birthday. So, maybe it’s ok to be willing to stay home and also make yourself get out there and interact more too. 

 

Your dressing sense 

We all dressed like homeless people when we were younger. My dressing sense as a kid sucked. When I look at my past pictures I think to myself, “Why on earth was I so stubborn about buying that dress?” And then, I became an adult. So, it’s better now, if not the best. I finally have a strong sense of how I like to look. I don’t feel the need to change what I think is an honest reflection of my personality. However, that doesn’t mean I am not open to changing it. If someone I love has a great sense of clothing, I am getting a makeover for free. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. 

 

Your hair and grooming habits

I watched a show where a guy forced his girlfriend to chop off her hair. Not only was it forceful, but it also seemed downright illegal, even if it wasn’t. The guy claimed he will leave her if she doesn’t cut her hair short. I think that’s toxic. You probably are with someone because you find them attractive, or you wouldn’t be in the relationship in the first place.  

 

However, that doesn’t mean you cannot be influenced by your S.O.’s opinion. If someone I love or someone who loves me, tells me my bangs may be causing me acne and that’s why I need to chop them off, I would. Similarly, if you are a dude who wants to grow a mustache, and your partner hates the feeling of being kissed by a cat, it’s a price one can be willing to pay for the sake of relationship’s intimacy. No one wants to swallow hair, do you? You decide. 

 

The way you argue 

There is no way a couple won’t argue. Arguments often escalate to full-blown fights. What I’ve noticed is that it’s not like your previous ways to resolve conflicts will work in this case too. It’s not okay to resolve a couple’s fight the same way you’d resolve a fight with your mother or your friends either. Relationships, regardless of all of them being based on love, are different. So, they should be treated differently. 

 

It’s also not healthy that a person just blocks you out of their life once you confront them about something you don’t like. There has to be a better way to figure out how to resolve conflict. Go on writing a letter every time you have to say something, maybe? Just respect the other person’s opinion. 

I think arguments are between people not between their love. 

Your ‘perfect’ idea of love

Everyone I’ve talked to about love has a different idea about it. Some have seen not so good relationships in their past, some have commitment issues, some also think love is friendship–the point being there are just so many ideas about love. But I’ve learnt the hard way it’s so foolish to hang up on that idea. In real life, nobody matches up to your idea of love. What you thought you wanted should not come in the way of appreciating what you’ve got. If the person you love doesn’t hurt you in a way it’s unforgivable, it’s just fine to change your ‘perfect’ idea of love.

What haters call “changing who you are for someone you love” is really just “wanting to compromise and adjust so that your relationship works.” 

Over to you 

I always wondered how I would ever know if I am in love with someone and am willing to change the things that are okay to change for someone you are in love with. 

 

I think when we imagine into a future that doesn’t involve that person, we get to know how we feel about them. If the feeling is relieved and happy, it’s time to let go. But if it feels sad, devastated and a little panicky, it’s time to make the changes that will make the person stay in your life. 

 

I believe when you find someone you can laugh with and make a great team with, you should not let them go. So if your partner is vulnerable with you and someone asks you “should you change for someone you love?”, the answer should be a YES.  

 

Because…

 

There are no simple love stories. 

 

If it’s simple it might as well not be love. 

 

And if it’s love, it’ll be hard work. 

 

Love, 

Despina. 

When not a writer - a reader. When not a reader - a writer.

Comments (1)

  1. Wow, this article is pleasant, my sister is analyzing such things, thus
    I am going to tell her.

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